How to Sh*t yourself Thin

Snails. Baby garden size, they are kept in a bag alive for few weeks till they crap themselves clean. Frank from the veg shop had invited me over for a meal with family. His bent double six-thousand year old mother-in-law had been preparing the 'Caracoles' all day, soaking in vinegar then cooked and re-cooked, the sauce made. The table was laid out, bread, wine, salad – enough to keep us going. There was a meat smell coming from the kitchen, the shadow of the old bent woman and dark pots flicked in the background – I wasn't worried, Frank was a top sort and if he said they were good then I trusted him I had no reason not to. 

A large wok type dish with steaming snails was put in the middle of the table, I was shown how to dig the flesh out of the shell with a cocktail stick while not to pull out the guts at the end to nip that off with your thumb. Dip them in the garlic butter and get them in ya. They tasted like tiny cuts of beef, the garlic butter was a bit strong but that was ok, so I picked away that these critters alone with the rest on the family, Frank's kids loved them, Cruela stayed in the kitchen with the dark pots. Not much time passed and I started to feel a bit of a rumble. 

 

I was in the toilet on time, I did a bit of both from up top and down below, my holes were burning, what was happening inside, would I ever walk again, what if I had to get the lower hole sewn up and carry my shit in a bag 'cos I'd nuked my guts, arr-nother wave. I was in there for what felt like days, I wondered what was the record for self-cleansing. Frank called to see if I was ok? I stabilised myself and opened the door. 'I have to go home mate' Frank looked worried, he went to the kitchen and came back with some camomile tea. 'here take these and call me later, ok?'.

Two days later, I put my less pale face into the their shop as Frank had called a few times but I was in no state to answer. 'We though you might have died, they can be poisonous you know.' No shit! 'Thanks Frank, everyone else was ok, your boys, Nurea?' As always it's the newbe that has to suffer.

Shit your self thin, that is the answer, it's happening all over Europe, How?

Strong coffee in the morning, snails if you're brave enough, and lots of olive oil. It's very common all the coffee drinkers I have met take a dump a short while after their morning cup. Olive oil is also very good though much slower. The benefit of this oil is that as it passes through your system it picks up saturated fats and moves them along, stopping you getting clogged. So with a morning coffee and plenty of olive oil on your salad you can shit yourself into a super mode and if you don't like coffee, try the snails.