How to piss off the french and italians

The job I had landed was, a big improvement, no kids. All business, adults and a few Civil Guard intensive courses. So things were interesting the team of teachers too, Irish, Canadian, Polish, Russian, Spanish, the only oddity was the French bosses. A husband and wife team, She the 'Dominator' and he 'mister mouse'. She was one of those women that thought they could boss people around by shoving her bosoms your way and huffing oo'la'la if you complained that the timetable overlapped or one of the other teachers had tried to kill you in the company car by mounting a roundabout. And all this for a thousand Euros a month. Life was pretty good there so after spending the summer in Bahrain and Saudi Arabia I decided it would be good to go back and suffer some more crazy car journeys with the Frenchies. 

 

There were new teacher and old faces 'Oo lala Casper – you are back, no?' After a dry summer, meaning no birds, left me a little pent up, so I decided unwisely to mix business with pleasure. The new Italian teacher had spent some time in Australia so we seemed to get on, not too bad looking in jeans. We met for coffee after work and I used the old 'stretch ya arm out across the back of the seat' trick. And with a few charming words of encouragement, how often do get to meet someone so..urgh I need to vomit. But it worked. We planed a weekend away to Galicia we'd seen the offer in a travel agents, with full board and trips to Santiago, and Rías Bajas we signed up. It was a disaster. Eleven hours on a bus by the time we got there I didn't want to spend anymore time perfecting her English. She still seemed keen. I was reading some J.M. Ceotzee a wonderful South African writer though I find his texts bring my mood down and I guess the opposite would have been better. At dinner we made friends with some older couples and I got invited to play cards with the boys – leapt at the opportunity to get away from Mayca. 

 

I played until the bar closed about 2.30am went back to our room, luckily there were two beds as I didn't want to complicate things by having sex. so I sneaked into the unoccupied bed and slept. In the morning it was breakfast and out for the tour so no time to be on the receiving end of a cold shoulder. I did however have to fake interest in taking posing snap shots of her. My card playing chums were near by so I kept up conversation with them. I had gone right off this bird and I couldn't break up with her mid-weekend I didn't fancy the Italian over-reaction. I thought if I can just make it till we get back to Logroño then I would only see her at work. What a mess.

That night before dinner, we showered, the devil kept popping into my head 'fuck her you know she wants it what's the matter with you. 'I couldn't go through with it visions of the stand up row 'YOU FUCKED ME AND LEFT'. I couldn't leave empty handed so we played Doctors and Nurses – well that's what I'm telling you.

The following week I made myself very busy and had no time to meet for coffee or to come over to her place, the fact that she lived in block of flats directly opposite, in fact from my lounge I could see her room. It all came to a head one day in the staff from, I had made some sexist comments about one of the lady teachers skill-less driving and was verbally attacked. So much so that the Dominator and Mouse Man called me into the office. I bent the truth and said that I wanted to live longer so I wouldn't be driving in the car as the shouting women. I devised cunning plan. the next day there was a staff meeting about an up coming intensive course. I spoke to the Dominator and told her I would apologise to any offended female members of staff. I went one better and bought in a big box of hand made biscuits, presented them on the table inviting everyone to help themselves. 'No it's not my birthday, but there was some misunderstanding yesterday and as a way of apologising without prejudice please enjoy a hand crafted delicacy.' Fuck you all I thought. I made myself look good in the eyes of the boss, so much so that I was then made the driver and on occasions when we had to share the car I would take Mouse Man's. 

 

About three months after leaving Logroño I sent an email to Mayca, to say no bad feelings, I got a two word response 'Fuck Off' her English was improving.

The BackStory, Fog, Madrid, Sevilla - melt down

What you dear reader might want to remember is ya man here the hero of these stories is me, an asthmatic, dyslexic Essex mechanic, that managed with some graft to get himself a degree at 28.

So here I am in Spain, and it’s not sunny, Lleida was picked me for my re-birth.

The sixth of January two hours from the coast I entered the shittiest foggy nightmare – the swish train left me at a modern airport style station concrete, glass harsh corners – minus two degrees.

Don, my new employer had got stuck somewhere conveniently better and left me to find the hostel that was to be my home for the next three weeks.

Teaching English was the job, bollocks really, you entertain brats after- school so mum and dad can take a break and have a beer. Little fucks I hated them. Had I not rented out my flat in Cheltenham and been so willing to learn a new language – I'd have fecked off.

Two week fog, Madrid snow, Sevilla melt down

The swanky train entered some fog, I didn’t come out of it till two weeks later – let me put the record straight, unless you are on the coast of Spain the main land only has two types of weather fucking freezing or boiling I’m talking -10 to plus 50, along the coast 6 degrees min and 30 max. It was hell of a shock. I went to Madrid in Feb and it snowed – I was not prepared. Much the same as you can’t for 43degrees that’s about 110 in old money – that’s not the desert just Seville at about 4pm mid June – insane. I was looking for a parking space underground and the air-conditioning wasn’t working. How could people live in this? Fact is they die, much like in the extreme cold in Russia; the old and infirm peg it. ;-p

Testículos - huevos

I had a lump it had been there for a long time but it had gotten bigger and I was now working in Logroño the capital of La Rioja, it was feb and I needed to get it checked out – I thought I have time to do the opp if I need it and recover over the spring. So down to the medical centre and I needed number to get seen so off to the town hall to ponce about with forms for half a day, if you have ever been on Social Security in the UK well you can imagine the type of place all the scum of the earth, nonsense forms.

Back to the med-centre , the receptionist asked me if I wanted a male or female doctor – well given the nature of things I went for Jose Torres. Appointment for tomorrow morning. Nervous as fuck but hey it has to be done. I wait outside with all the other lowlifes with snotty kids and incontinent octogenarians. I see an A4 sheet of paper stuck to the door, Dr.Torres will be assisted by training Dr.Maria something-or-other, great so there will be a woman in there too, well screw it I’m here waiting now and I just crack on. The door opens and an attractive lady in her 30ies calls my name. Ok so she just opens the door Dr.Torres will be at his desk, nope she is at the helm too and Torres is nowhere to be seen. Red face – out with it, ‘Bit embarrassing, I have a lump on my left testicle’ She complemented me on my Spanish which by now about a year was ok and asked me to lower my garments and sit on the bed thing. So legs up and dick in hand to hide the non-penis that was shrinking fast. Latex glove on I show her where it is, a quick prod-prod, squeeze-squeeze and then who pops his head in the scene ya-man Dr.Torres, well fuck me Manuel where have you been. He confirms, big lump – hospital scan next week. So that quick – as I thought could be nasty.

I have to sat that the medical treatment and investigation was ten out of ten the lump was nothing just water and like the UK it only cost me a red face. The continuation of this story is that another year later, I went back to the doctors to get those little blue tablets as you have to get a prescription here. And yes Manuel was on his coffee break again, another red face. What did make me laugh was the next day I was with a very attractive woman from work we had breakfast in bar after a class and as I walked out who was sitting there, non other that my lady doctora. I just said hello but didn’t explain to my colleagues who she was. I smiled at what doc must have thought.