To us in the UK something can be freaky, strange unexplainable, in Spain this Anglicism means, a computer geek, Si-Fi nurd, or anybody that is really into things different: ‘He’s a complete friki for GPS systems he knows everything’. This English based nomenclature is very common and can be most annoying as you think you understand something but really you have taken hold of the dirty end of the stick. Mobbing is a great example, one might presume that we are talking about a large group of people descending upon someone or thing in protest or admiration however this spanglish means to your average literate ‘unfair dismissal at work’, normally a pregnant sectary.
It gets worse; in an attempt to keep up with business and UN relations, military or otherwise Spain has been trying to learn English, and has made it a hobble rather than something to be perfected. Anybody around the age of thirty will manage some basic English but this doesn’t mean they understand English or the English. Expressions used by your average José get translated and re-used by the pseudo-cool.
Drinks in bars are paid for when you leave regardless of how many you and your mates have got stuck into. The bar staff mentally tally up and you cough out. But imagine that you decide to make a sharp exit because the bird behind the bar is slow or is ignoring you well you’ve had a free drink old José will tell his mate that he had a drink ‘by the face’. What the smegg does that mean to an real English speaker? abso-fucking-lutely nothing. But this tripe is very popular. The Spanish are creating their own English that only they understand – how useless.
Sunday 17 October 2010
Thursday 7 October 2010
Part Two, Bus Stop Chica
After the usual early twenties many nights on the piss in the pubs of Southend and Rochford spending more money on beer than food rent and petrol put together and I did a 1,000miles a month in my many cars and bikes. I got to 25 and couldn’t cope with the hangovers so I stared running to keep fit and give me an excuse to not drink so much. Well I was out running round the city of Lleida, I stopped near a bus stop to warm down with some stretches and eyeballed a young blond. She didn’t get on the bus when it came so I said hello I’m English and she jumped on me ‘me encanta, me encanta’. I we exchanged numbers and she came to see me the night before I was due to fly back to home. I had no idea what she was saying and my flat mates thought she was dangerous but I’ve never laughed so much in bed with a bird. She was a hair model with lots of that classic Latin passion that we Brits get to hear about, but completely insane. We met up about a year later to repeat the event, after that I never saw her again.
Saturday 2 October 2010
An Englishman's Travels in Spain 2005-10
WARNING
Names have NOT been changed if you did it and I saw you –
ya guilty!
Dear Traveller (that's you, I know in books it should be first or third person, but what I’m gonna tell you here is all true – well most of it, so it's you and me here 1st and 2nd person)
If you thought Spain was all sunshine and flip-flops then you're in for a treat. There are things we need to know, how not to get blown up in an ETA car bomb, how to understand the southern accent, how to get out of a speeding fine and what to do when you're invited to a BBQ with the Spanish infantry.
If you have read Bill Bryson's A Walk in the Woods, or Notes from a Small country, all travel inspired observations but maybe my experiences is closer to 'A Year in the Merde', over 100,000 copies sold. If not then basically a English bloke trying to work in France. This is in the same ballpark though a bit further south. Ole!
If you're thinking about living, holidaying, or working in Spain or just want to take your head out the sand and know a bit more about where Penelope Cruz and comes from (Madrid) for example. Actually that's a lie she's not in the book though the capital city is, plus an insight to better actors.
This book is full of real life tales of how it is, where to go and not; with a smattering of special snapshot images hidden among the pages plus a few facts and figures to back it all up, not forgetting some historical stuff too.
If you have nothing else to do and some spare money buy my book 'cos need a new motorcycle. Oh and I'll teach you how not to mix up the words cushion, draw and bollocks.
Part One
Learning to swear ‘hijo de puta’
In a bar, of course, week one and I learn how to say ‘son of a bitch’ even getting the accent right – gargled at the back of the throat. Swearing in Spain is a national sport, inventing different things to shit on and in, for example Me cago en la leche, Shit in the milk, is one of my favourites, Coño is cunt, but it is very light, I have even see two old ladies use it as a greeting to each other from across the street. The Title of these tails is a play on the polite version of Hijo de la gran puta, son of a fucking bitch, changing the ending to Great Britain (Gran Bretaña). Another area is blasphemy, shitting on God, Dios is often changed to shitting on ten, diez. Swearing is a whole wonderful world of laughs were gods, mothers, shit, bitches and milk all form a natural part of conversion.
Names have NOT been changed if you did it and I saw you –
ya guilty!
Dear Traveller (that's you, I know in books it should be first or third person, but what I’m gonna tell you here is all true – well most of it, so it's you and me here 1st and 2nd person)
If you thought Spain was all sunshine and flip-flops then you're in for a treat. There are things we need to know, how not to get blown up in an ETA car bomb, how to understand the southern accent, how to get out of a speeding fine and what to do when you're invited to a BBQ with the Spanish infantry.
If you have read Bill Bryson's A Walk in the Woods, or Notes from a Small country, all travel inspired observations but maybe my experiences is closer to 'A Year in the Merde', over 100,000 copies sold. If not then basically a English bloke trying to work in France. This is in the same ballpark though a bit further south. Ole!
If you're thinking about living, holidaying, or working in Spain or just want to take your head out the sand and know a bit more about where Penelope Cruz and comes from (Madrid) for example. Actually that's a lie she's not in the book though the capital city is, plus an insight to better actors.
This book is full of real life tales of how it is, where to go and not; with a smattering of special snapshot images hidden among the pages plus a few facts and figures to back it all up, not forgetting some historical stuff too.
If you have nothing else to do and some spare money buy my book 'cos need a new motorcycle. Oh and I'll teach you how not to mix up the words cushion, draw and bollocks.
Part One
Learning to swear ‘hijo de puta’
In a bar, of course, week one and I learn how to say ‘son of a bitch’ even getting the accent right – gargled at the back of the throat. Swearing in Spain is a national sport, inventing different things to shit on and in, for example Me cago en la leche, Shit in the milk, is one of my favourites, Coño is cunt, but it is very light, I have even see two old ladies use it as a greeting to each other from across the street. The Title of these tails is a play on the polite version of Hijo de la gran puta, son of a fucking bitch, changing the ending to Great Britain (Gran Bretaña). Another area is blasphemy, shitting on God, Dios is often changed to shitting on ten, diez. Swearing is a whole wonderful world of laughs were gods, mothers, shit, bitches and milk all form a natural part of conversion.
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