An Englishman's Travels in Spain 2005-10

WARNING
Names have NOT been changed if you did it and I saw you –
ya guilty!

Dear Traveller (that's you, I know in books it should be first or third person, but what I’m gonna tell you here is all true – well most of it, so it's you and me here 1st and 2nd person)

If you thought Spain was all sunshine and flip-flops then you're in for a treat. There are things we need to know, how not to get blown up in an ETA car bomb, how to understand the southern accent, how to get out of a speeding fine and what to do when you're invited to a BBQ with the Spanish infantry.

If you have read Bill Bryson's A Walk in the Woods, or Notes from a Small country, all travel inspired observations but maybe my experiences is closer to 'A Year in the Merde', over 100,000 copies sold. If not then basically a English bloke trying to work in France. This is in the same ballpark though a bit further south. Ole!

If you're thinking about living, holidaying, or working in Spain or just want to take your head out the sand and know a bit more about where Penelope Cruz and comes from (Madrid) for example. Actually that's a lie she's not in the book though the capital city is, plus an insight to better actors.
This book is full of real life tales of how it is, where to go and not; with a smattering of special snapshot images hidden among the pages plus a few facts and figures to back it all up, not forgetting some historical stuff too.

If you have nothing else to do and some spare money buy my book 'cos need a new motorcycle. Oh and I'll teach you how not to mix up the words cushion, draw and bollocks.

Part One


Learning to swear ‘hijo de puta’

In a bar, of course, week one and I learn how to say ‘son of a bitch’ even getting the accent right – gargled at the back of the throat. Swearing in Spain is a national sport, inventing different things to shit on and in, for example Me cago en la leche, Shit in the milk, is one of my favourites, Coño is cunt, but it is very light, I have even see two old ladies use it as a greeting to each other from across the street. The Title of these tails is a play on the polite version of Hijo de la gran puta, son of a fucking bitch, changing the ending to Great Britain (Gran Bretaña). Another area is blasphemy, shitting on God, Dios is often changed to shitting on ten, diez. Swearing is a whole wonderful world of laughs were gods, mothers, shit, bitches and milk all form a natural part of conversion.